Yoshimitsu, Glad To Meet You
by ComedyMagmar
Summary: Yoshimitsu is a mysterious man, a swift samurai, and a nifty ninja. Did you know that he was a smartaleck to boot? A mini-series based on SC2's uber-cool, one-armed warrior. Namu!


**Author's Note** - Yoshimitsu has not nearly enough stories with him in them, let alone being the main character! So I've decided to start a mini-series with him as the main character, poking fun at the elements of Soul Calibur II (which is a wonderful game that I love, so don't think I dislike it)! As for a plot, well, Yoshimitsu is the main character, what more could you ask for? Right? RIGHT?  
So, enjoy the adventures of Yoshimitsu! I know I will but that may be because I'm writing this story.  
  
**Disclaimer** - I do not own Soul Calibuer, Yoshimitsu, or any product that is placed in this story. In fact, I don't own anything. Not a thing. Only this little dust bunny I call Fred. Hello Fred, how are you? I'm fine, thank yo- AAAAH! The wind caught him again! Come back Fred!  
  
  
  
**Chapter 01 - The Smartaleck Samurai**  
  
The Italian man shifted across the cathedral near-silently, only the sounds of a soft hiss pursing from his lips. He crawled on the walls, the floor, the ceiling, worming all around the building like little Jeffy from Family Circus; only there was no dotted line behind him.  
The being, the warped and truly bizarre human who would in today's time either be in an asylum or a web site that perverts dwell around, then caught sight of the object it wanted. Soul Edge. His eyebrows shot up and he started to crawl towards the sword, which was half-driven into the ground.  
Suddenly, there was a sharp cry from above. Another figure came shooting down from above, and Voldo leapt away quickly. He hissed furiously as the being slammed to the ground, a small explosion sounding off as sparks shot off from a burning blade making contact with the concrete ground.  
Back off, tights boy! the being shouted as it stood off. Swords are not for those who have barely learned to walk properly!  
Voldo was blind (which explained why he dressed like he did, or he would never be caught dead in public), so he was unable to realize what his opponent looked like. The voice would have sounded familiar if he was not deaf (which would explain why he always hisses for if he heard himself he would shut up). He would have smell familiar if Voldo had not picked his nose earlier that day and forgotten he was wearing his hand blades at the time.  
That sword is mine, bub, exclaimed the being. The golden mask he wore covered his face, and his samurai hat covered the rest of his head. His purple costume and flagstaff waved in the small breeze, and the whir of gears on his right arm created a soothing, peaceful sound; the being's mouth did not. So go take your freak-fest, hump-attacking, mother-in-law look alike self out of this sacred place!  
Sensing the being was talking to him, Voldo replied with,   
Don't you gurgle at me, boy!  
  
Fine, hiss at me. Anyway, as I said, that sword is mine; what do you want with it anyway?  
Ssssss gurrrr huhuhhhh burrrrssss!  
It'll look lovely in your living room'? The hell?  
Sssss! Blluuuurgh frrrrrssssh haaaaaah!  
Oh, I see, your master wants it! Quite frankly, freak-face, I don't give a damn! ... Hey, that's catchy!  
SSSSSS! Bluuuuuurgh!  
No, I prefer chocolate over vanilla.  
Buurrrrgh ssssah fffffffurrrrrr.  
Whatever Torgo, I-  
Ssssss ffffurrrr gaaaaaah!!  
Oh, Voldo, is it? That's pretty close to Voldermort, Mr. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. For you, however, I'd stick with He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Seen.  
  
Yes, I would like fries with that.  
  
Now you're just being cynical.  
Fffffffffurgh ssssssssss!  
The figure raised an eyebrow from behind his mask. Drumming his artificial fingers against the hilt of his katana, he cocked his head to the side. I've got to disagree with you there, Torgo. They don't stand a chance this season.  
  
Without warning, Voldo lunged for his opponent, claws first. The being in front of him disappeared in swirl of blue light, and then reappeared in the same place after Voldo had landed several feet away. Fan boys, grumbled the samurai as he turned around.  
Before Voldo had time to react, the warrior hit the moon walking creature on the head with the hilt of his katana. Voldo may not have been able to see or hear but pain, unfortunately for him, was still available, and he was stunned by the blow.  
Now we must part in sweet sorrow, Torgo, the samurai said, and then hammered the hilt of his weapon against Voldo's head several times, knocking down the creature. With a loud hiss, the creature-like man fainted on the floor.  
You like that, bondage boy? the warrior asked the unconscious being. I call that the Door Knocker, mainly because I like to see if anyone is upstairs. For you, of course, the room is available for rent.  
That being said to his fainted opponent, the being turned around and walked towards Soul Edge. Shifting his katana to his one good hand, the warrior eyed the sword suspiciously.  
Hmmmm, a large, demonic eye on the blade, he observed, an evil substance that looks like it is growing on the hilt, and evil energy crackling from the blade! This must be the legendary sword! ... The advertisement made it sound so much better.  
From behind the warrior, a fire golem started to creep up on him. Silent as the night itself regardless of the flames flowing on its body, the creature raised a slender dagger. Poised and ready to strike the warrior from the back and kill him immediately, the creature dually noted that the surroundings had transformed into a hellish location with a small flash of light. The warrior seemed unaware as he looked over the blade but the demon known as Inferno cared not. It crept up behind the being, dagger ready...  
Not now, sparky, said the samurai, and with one swift backward stab, the katana was driven into where the creature's eye should have been. Dropping the dagger and running away shrieking like a girly demon, the surroundings went back to normal.  
The samurai commented, May there be mercy on your next eye, to himself. Then, with his robotic arm, he grabbed the hilt of Soul Edge and yanked it out of the ground.  
**I AM FREE!! FREE AT LAST!!** a chilling, evil, echoing voice boomed from nowhere, rattling the walls and shattering the remaining glass of the windows in the cathedrals.  
Goody. Now gimmee three wishes, the samurai said calmly.  
boomed the evil sword, taken slightly aback by the wit of his holder. **I AM SOUL EDGE, DEVOURER OF SOULS AND MORTAL LIVES!!**  
Pleased to meet you. I am Yoshimitsu, and I stay on a smaller version of the Atkins diet.  
**YOU WILL NOW BECOME MY SLAVE, AND HELP ME RULE THE WORLD!!**  
Not on the first date, bub.  
The evil sword took no heed of this. **YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! ALL THOSE WHO TOUCH MY HILT ARE UNDER MY CONTROL!**  
That's a beautiful way of putting it, Soul Edgie. Really, that can _so_ be taken the wrong way.  
**SILENCE! YOU HOLD ME IN YOUR GRASP, YOU WILL OBEY!**  
Look again at the hand holding you, Soulie.  
The eye on Soul Edge darted up to see the mechanical hand of Yoshimitsu grasping him. As the eye bulged, the evil voice of the cursed blade started to stammer.  
**B-BUT... HOW... WHAT... WHY IS YOUR ARM FAKE?!**  
Long story, and I'm a little sensitive about it.  
**WELL, DID THAT REPLACEMENT COST YOU AN ARM AND A LEG? HA HA HA-**  
Soul Edge was rudely interrupted when Yoshimitsu poked the eye with his katana's point. A painful, evil scream echoed in the cathedral as the demonic eye winced and blinked out evil tears of pain.  
I told you to not to make fun of my arm, Soulie. Let us not ruin this new friendship.  
Snarling, Soul Edge said, **WELL, AS LONG AS YOU CONTROL ME, YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT ME TO GOOD, EVIL USE!**  
I don't think so.  
**BUT I CAN GIVE YOU POWER! WEALTH!**  
So can a decent job.  
**HOW ABOUT WOMEN?!**  
Now you're getting somewhere!  
**LOTS OF WOMEN! I'LL GET YOU SO MANY WOMEN-**  
Watch it. I just fought Voldo boy over there, so I've had my fill of perversion for today.  
**ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. JUST ALLOW ME TO HELP YOU IN YOUR _EVIL_ PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!! MUA HA HA HAAAAA!**  
Yoshimitsu once again raised an eyebrow. You're kind of hokey there, boy. Anyway, I have no evil plans.  
**WHAT?! BUT SURELY YOU MUST HAVE SOME REQUEST IN LIFE!**  
I do wish to avenge my murdered clan but I can do that without your aid.  
**I HAVE THE STRENGTH OF AN ARMY AND I CAN INFLICT THE MOST TERRIBLE PAIN UPON MORTALS EVER!!**  
Medieval medicine and dental plans?  
A third voice then spoke out from seemingly nowhere, startling Soul Edge but not Yoshimitsu, Dude, did I see that one coming!  
**WHA... WHO IS THAT?!**  
That's my blade, Yoshimitsu gestured to his katana with his head. I call him Yoshimitsu.  
**YOU NAMED YOUR BLADE AFTER YOURSELF?**  
It was a better name than   
Damn right! Yoshimitsu the Blade exclaimed. I wouldn't be caught dull with a name like that!  
**THIS IS TOO WEIRD,** grumbled Soul Edge, evilly rolling his eye.  
The samurai laughed at this. You're evil, bub! How can you find something weird?  
**EVIL IS NOT WEIRD! IT IS FAR FROM WEIRD!**  
You're a one-eyed sword that has evil mold growing on it. That is not registered under the word normal' to the common folk.  
**I DEVOUR THE SOULS OF COMMON FOLK!**  
And we're very proud of you for that, Cyclops, said Yoshimitsu the Blade.  
**SILENCE! I WILL NOT BE TALKED DOWN BY A PUNY, WANNABE-CURSED SWORD!**  
Did your Caps Lock button get stuck or what, dude?  
By now, Soul Edge's demonic eye was evilly twitching. ...**YOU KNOW, I THINK I'D RATHER BE SHATTERED INTO A MILLION PIECES AGAIN THEN HAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU TWO SMART-ALECKS!**  
whistled Yoshimitsu the Blade, that's what every girl we've met has said to us too!  
So be it, evil spirit blade-thingy, Yoshimitsu the Samurai said. He started to tighten his grip on the hilt, and his soul energy flowed through him, dramatically increasing his strength.  
**WAIT! I AM SOUL EDGE!** roared the evil blade. **YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY UNDYING WRATH!**  
That, my friend, said Yoshimitsu, is what bonus continues are for.  
Yoshimitsu ground the evil blade into evil dust, and it blew away into the peaceful wind. Soul Edge, once known for being the most evil of all cursed objects, was now reduced to a state where the worst thing it could do to humans was get caught in their eye and irritate them mildly.  
That was fun, said Yoshimitsu as he started walking. Where he did not know, for quite frankly, he had no clue where the hell he was.  
You sure did do a lot today, dude, said his phantom blade. You defeated that bondage boy, destroyed an evil blade, and started off a catchy new fan fiction story! What are you going to do next?  
I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND! whooped Yoshimitsu as he ran off into the sunset.  
  
Yoshimitsu, blushing under his mask, starting walking away from the sunset.  
Disneyland is _this_ way, he said.  
  
  
THE CHAPTER IS OVER. PLEASE KEEP YOUR ARMS AND LEGS INSIDE THE CHAPTER UNTIL IT HAS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. THANK YOU.


End file.
